My heart beats a little faster when your friend flashes a playful cheeky smile on camera. I think he looks nicer with a smile. Which one of you do you think is going to spill first about the secret content of the UFO folder? If I were to apply the right amount of pressure to wring it out of you?
I think it would be very nice to be in a relationship where two people are happy together and excited about each other than the one mired in misunderstanding and resentment and silence and uphill battle. Maybe some women like that kind of drama. Want their lives to be constantly plagued with romantic torment and fury and yearning and tears. Maybe they want it to feel profound and meaningful and deep and one-of-a-kind. But that’s not me though. I want it to be fun and rejuvenating and effortless and full of possibilities. But I do understand that some people – some men even – need the reassurance and the deep sensitivity to be reciprocated and expressed in turn unreservedly. I think I’d struggle with that kind of thing. Not only does it irk me but it also weirds me out in a way. I’m not an unfeeling person, quite the contrary. But when you match with the right person who’s the right fit for you with your right kind of energy, that all becomes rather unnecessary. There’s no need for a grand declaration of love. It just works. In every interaction and conversation and imagination of a future life together. There’s nothing to prove by either side. You just want to be together rather than dream about being together.
It all comes down to how each of the two feels and expresses love. That’s why personality and temperament matter. And some personalities and temperaments just do not make for a good pair. They make for a good spectacle but they don’t last and are often quite a waste of time especially when you know it’s going to end sooner or later.
And men get excited over women who are wrong for them often. They are easily excitable creatures after all. Women are a much more practical party. Granted that they are stable and secure in themselves they often know right off the bat the kind of men they want who would be good for them long-term. And it doesn’t hurt for the physical attraction to be there.
It’s nice to think about what I want for a change. What would be good for me and my peace of mind and my future. And one thing I absolutely don’t want is to be tortured under the guise of love. I don’t even get off being a muse to some man however important or self-important. It does absolutely nothing for me. I’d even go so far as to say that it does almost absolutely nothing for most women. And it takes a huge male ego and a gigantic amount of confidence to have me as an arm candy without feeling undermined. So you may be right identifying your other friend as someone who could potentially be a really good match for me.
And so what if it doesn’t work out in person? Then no muss no fuss, right? I feel on the same page already and that’s much better than imagining the endless cycle of reproach and repair alternating ad infinitum. I don’t need messy grand romance to feel meaningful. I would even say that takes away meaning from my life and hinders me from pursuing multiple parallel meanings in my life. But some men do need that kind of emotional refuge and anchor and that’s why they could never be my person.
Compatibility is a nifty tricky thing. And liking someone is not enough to sustain a relationship. Feeling similarities isn’t. Hoping for the best isn’t. Stress and strain are a good indicator that something just isn’t meant to be. Anton and I could barely be happy together. We’ve never been happy together. We could barely communicate or understand each other. I know that he expects me to demonstrate my commitment to him in a way that’s natural to him but unnatural to me. He thinks his invested time and effort should earn him that reciprocation. I think differently. We do not think alike at all. We express feelings differently. We behave in ways that are at odds with one another. And he could never collaborate with you, could he? He wouldn’t listen to you? He would make everything difficult a thousandfold for everyone involved? He couldn’t even collaborate with me. That tells you the failure of a man he is.
It’s not so much that what he did didn’t earn him that reciprocation. It did and I even told him that. But it’s not being reciprocated in a manner that’s meaningful to him. I’ve tried to show him through my forbearance and attempt at establishing a solid and future foundation of us but it’s not being registered by him in a way that matters to him. That’s what incompatibility is! That’s literally what it is. We don’t see each other and we don’t hear each other and we talk over each other all the time. No one is wrong in this case. Fault cannot be attributed to either party. Reality can be cruel like that.
I’m saying I’m exhausted and I’m tired and he just doesn’t hear me, you know. I’ve said this multiple times in the past but he ignored me. And then he had the audacity to say he was also tired recently. Like, go fuck yourself, why don’t you? I need to be rescued from this relationship by someone who actually gets me.
— Salisa to Путуки, September 10th, 2026
You know, I kinda like this dynamic. It’s obvious both of you secretly hate me for paying attention to another and will withhold all communication and affection just to punish and torment me. Forever. Which is why Dmitry is going to win me at the end of the day. Maybe not soon, but he will. Because he isn’t petty and he isn’t silly and he isn’t unfair and he isn’t resentful. The reason you two act in this petulant way is perfectly in line with that Russian inability to have a constructive dialogue with others when in doubt or in conflict. They continue their brutality to demonstrate their point instead of choosing to just talk. They don’t know how to use words when they get emotional. They just punish others through violence or silence for every single problem they face however critical or minute. There isn’t much in the way of a developed rational or emotional faculty or anything to facilitate genuine social connection to restore equilibrium. And because they can get away with it, they do it always. And there’s no trust. No honour. In anything you do. I’m very conflicted actually. I’m trying to gauge which one of you would honour my trust in you with a follow-through to end this in a way that’s good for everyone. Both of you have been watching me forever and most likely won’t mind dragging this on for another five years. Both of you have violated my trust in chickening out like a little bitch and refusing to take responsibility for that decision to run away from me like a scared little rat. Both of you have rejected direct communication with me for months and months. Both of you have not demonstrated your ability to understand what it is I need and want even though I explicitly stated it many times in the past. There’s no change in either of you. There’s more of the same thing. You know, Dmitry should consider being my friend for awhile because while I’m an appreciative and patient person, I’m not stupid.
What is it like to have everyone suffer for your abject weakness? To have everyone watch how weak and pathetic and dishonourable you are. Of course, you don’t see it that way. You don’t see it in any way. You don’t have as much an opinion on anything. You’re just a creature of feelings. You don’t really make judgements when it comes to someone higher ranked than you and when it comes to yourself. And there’s not really anyone higher ranked than yourself and there’s not really much of anything when it comes to yourself either. I care about both of you, you know that right? But to move forward, I need trust in the process that what I’m doing will matter to you and be reciprocated and be rewarded at the end of the day. I don’t even know when that end will be. Because you won’t talk to me. So I’m moving forward blind because I have no goal and no incentive and no read and no reward. I’ll be flipflopping a lot and that’s going to frustrate my dear Dmitry. But to be honest with you, Dmitry, if you would talk to me right now I wouldn’t care how much havoc and carnage they wreck in the wider world as a result of my decision. I want to talk to you. But I don’t want to entertain a third man only for him to flop and flake out on me like with the other two. I could entertain Anton more but he ran away from me three times in the past year. That’s not someone I can trust or rely on. Vladimir is showing a bit of a strain but he won’t wise up and do anything about me either. They prefer the conflicts and the chaos because they are weak men. Because they are scared of a little girl like me. They tell themselves she’s not giving me enough to warrant the reaching out to her. But I did. In the past. Which they ignored and rejected because it didn’t suit them. They are dishonourable. They are irresponsible. They are selfish. They are undependable. They are failed men. So I would choose you, Dmitry. I don’t know how things are going to be in the coming days or weeks or months but you must know how shaky the foundations are with these two and how I don’t trust either of them because they have failed me and they don’t trust me either because they are insecure at heart and they have wrecked their chance at normal intimacy by entertaining women who don’t love them or understand them or appreciate them and how my solid future with either of them is looking bleak as they continue to hold grudges and think only of themselves and be paralysed by constant fear. It matters the decision you make in life, you know. You and I know this. We make intentional and deliberate decisions because every single decision in life counts and their insidious effects can be felt years away from now. If you choose to hurt yourself, whether through your own stupidity or insecurity, by getting with women who are not deserving of you who spent years and decades destroying your ability to trust and love and care, that’s on you. You have no one but yourself to blame. These decisions condition who you are for the rest of your life. And the fact that they are undeveloped emotionally both in ability and in strength tells you all you need to know about the caliber of women they have been with. That’s why they are both scared of me and feel unworthy of me and have no single clue how to process these overwhelming feelings in a normal, healthy way. They are genuinely confused and they are distrustful of me. If I were to keep entertaining them, then what happened to them out of their own foolish accord will happen to me too. I’ll grow distrustful of you and I’ll destabilise our relationship the first chance I get. Who will I have become then? I’ll give into my weakness and stupidity and I’ll become them who always give into what’s easy and what’s certain and what’s shabby and what’s available. Who never fight for anything worth having and who always retreat in fear at any chance of true happiness. I don’t know much about you at the moment, Dmitry, but you’re obviously better than them and better for me in the most foundational ways. I don’t want to consider you as a second or third option. I think giving some guy an endless chance to fall through and mock you will do me in in a way that I don’t deserve. Even in the face of most extraordinary adversity, I will never be weak like them who cannot tolerate discomfort in their most ordinary life. Always the easy option and the shabby option and the available option. It’s shameful. You’ve gotta fight for what you believe in. And you have to hope for the best.
This is me in my sober moment, Dmitry. Hopefully this sticks for the foreseeable future. Do you know, Dmitry, that even as I reach out to you and continue to reach out to you, they won’t do anything radically different from what they’ve been doing before because they are petrified and always uncertain and deep down they know they don’t deserve me and me walking away from them and me walking all over them is the natural most believable consequence they have anticipated for themselves. They spent their whole lives being devalued by women who should have valued them and built them up instead of doubting them and tearing them down. So now they can’t help it but to doubt me and tear me down. I’m sorry about my harsh words about you the other day in passing. You don’t deserve that. This is what I mean. If you spend too much time in a company that brings you down and erodes your trust, you’ll end up doing it to someone else. You don’t deserve my suspicion and my distrust and my snide and my snark. That wasn’t nice and I’m sorry about what I said.
In another way I’m also conflicted because why should I be trying to make contact with you? Let me triangulate with your two friends even though it makes most of us miserable and it makes the spectacle of us but it is ultimately them who have chosen to make things difficult for everyone involved. They are obviously clueless that the longer this mess goes on, the worse it looks and it’s going to end up hurting their country in the long term in the most insidious way. They obviously cannot see it and so I can exploit this opportunity to hurt them and to hurt all of you. On the other hand, I’m kinda selfish because it’s you and I think you’re a catch. I don’t even know what Vladimir actually wants. Ultimately, unconsciously, subconsciously, honestly. I would have factored that in only if I knew. It’s not a simple matter of choosing who I want out of the three but because they have pissed me off so damn much I’m beginning to care less and less about what they do and what the consequences are. Vladimir will never come to his senses to set up a meet and I wouldn’t have been this disgusted if I didn’t get the encouraging and positive messages and promises on my feed all those months ago for almost a year that turned out to be LIES. Lies, lies, lies. What else is new? On the other side we have Anton and his BULLSHIT. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Same shite, different colours. I’m rather fed up with it.
You know, I do forgive you for your mean-spirited comment about multiple-chair straddling. I wasn’t insulted. It was useful information in many ways but I was slightly shocked at the tone. And it got me thinking rather recently: you guys do have a tape of me when I was ‘straddling a chair’ back in 2018, don’t you? Is that how I caught your eyes? You must tell me all the tea about me. I seem to have been missing out.
And do you know the difference between you and them? You don’t expect me to fall in love with you with your gestures and your videos and your statements. You don’t expect me to reciprocate the feelings I haven’t got because there’s no chance it could be developed remotely at a distance. Because you don’t mistake your feelings for me as my ideal feelings for you and as the way things should be and as the emotional state of mind that should be maintained at all cost. It’s okay to admit to having a crush and wanting a chance to explore. It’s not fair to expect a woman to reciprocate the depth of your feelings when you have been nothing but her stalker or worse. I’m sure Jodie Foster was chuffed and charmed by that man trying to shoot Ronald Reagan dead. Did it make any difference to her that what he felt for her was real and overflowing and true? That it was passionate and selfless and pure coming straight from the bottom of his heart? Did it matter to her that what he had done for her or in her name in front of the entire world was a grand declaration of love? I was trying to meet them half way by repressing the fear and the anger and the indignation in place of understanding and compassion and kindness, but they expected me to go in all the way and get on my knees declaring in turn my undying love for them. That’s just childish. No woman in the history of the world would ever do that under any circumstances however right and good he is to her. I’ve said this before but they don’t get it. But you do, don’t you? You’re not going to require me to write you a love poem or promise to be your betrothed for the rest of my life from a thousand miles away when I don’t see you and you don’t see me? Well, you’ve won yourself a huge advantage by being understanding and kind and fair to me simply for being you.
Can you imagine inflicting such a significant trauma on someone just so you could have them pay attention to you and then expect them to endure your inconstancy and moodiness and coldness and silence for however long that satisfies you? I don’t believe that what they feel for me beneath all that is love. It’s desire and hatred so fused you couldn’t tell them apart. Who wants to be subjected to that kind of thing for the rest of their life? And guess what insecurity is a good predictor of in a romantic relationship? Infidelity. That would explain both of them, wouldn’t you? With me? With other women before me? Indeed, some men are pathetic like that. They hurt themselves and they hurt others. The fact that you got angry over parallel romance says a lot about the kind of man that you are. In a good way I mean. I wouldn’t say it came from that place of jealousy or insecurity with you. I don’t think so.
I’d rather think… since we’re stuck and nobody will step up and take responsibility for my situation, I’m going to make this as painful as possible for everyone involved. Revenge, darling. Because I keep speaking to apes and they keep being apes so in a way it’s my fault trying to communicate with a pair of apes and a bunch of apes. “Be a bigger person. Tell me what you want. Communicate with me. Show me I can trust you. You’re not showing me I can trust you when you haven’t addressed that lapse of trust when you ran away from me like a little girl and continue to punish me with your silence.” Actually I should have just said that. Is it better I lay it out what I want you to do? I keep forgetting that you have spent your whole lives dating women with an IQ range of around 80 and at best 90 so I haven’t dumbed myself down enough for either of you. You can only do 80-IQ speak! I’m doing 110-IQ speak! It’s not that you’re apes. It’s that you exist in a social and interpersonal and romantic world communicating with actual retards so you’ve come down with a retard fever with a retard mind, you know. But that would only explain why you cannot talk with me like a rational, intelligent person. It doesn’t explain you being out of touch with what you know about yourself and lacking an emotional tool to smooth things over with anyone including your life partner and manning up and doing things that are uncomfortable to you but it’s the right thing to do and you’ve put me in this situation and you’re responsible for me and my wellbeing. You keep hurting others with your negligence and weakness. I’m going to let you keep hurting yourselves until you can’t hurt others anymore.
It’s all cultural, don’t you see? You don’t get anything I insinuate or ask indirectly because you’re Slavic but then if I tell you what I want to see you do or say you’re not going to do them because you’re positioned above me and I’m your subordinate so you have to deliberately be deaf to maintain your artificial status. So I employ the Western customs of softening up my speech and making inferences and sprinkling it here and there in my nice prose but then it goes over your head and you cannot map what I say in the abstract to what you should do in the concrete. So now what?
A man who doesn’t know himself will weed himself and his descendants out of the Darwinian gene pools.
You don’t know how to do this, do you? I have to program you every step of the way like a lifeless robot so you know how to co-exist with others from the civilised world, don’t I? What is expected. What is implicit. What is manners. What is norm. What is virtue. But then you don’t take instructions. You accuse others of things. You don’t hear what others have to say. You’re too scared of everything and everyone you can’t control. Maybe it’s better to wipe the slate clean and start over and reprogram all of your population so they come with some sort of social firmware?
[…]
I think you’re right that we shouldn’t rush into anything when we can’t even tolerate each other and make this work with an ocean between us. But I was hoping for a quick ending I put to you when everything falls apart eventually. You’ll be dead and I’ll be free. I’ll have to admit I’m a bit lazy here.
— Salisa to Anton, September 12th, 2026
Salisa lohavittayavikant 