He who does not suffer does not enjoy, just as he who does not perceive cold does not perceive heat either.
– Miguel de Unamuno
It is upon judgments of this sort that the lives of men turn; for probability, not intuitive certainty, is the guide of human life.
– William Knight
[…] I know you think I am borderline hysterical or delusional. But I can assure you in my hearts of hearts that I am neither of these things. It takes days and weeks even to consider all the likely possibilities and ultimately arrive at one single conclusion of the many threads that tie all this together. I’ve turned things over and over in my head to figure out how bad things were and what sort of things I’d become an unwitting party to. That is not obsession, but risk assessment and threat containment.
[…]
Do you not find it at all plausible or just a wee bit convincing that some people can be a fervent and consummate romantic? That they would die for love? That they would kill for love? That they would abject [sic] and humiliate and sabotage themselves and their future for love? That they would endure pain and torment for love? Because I wouldn’t have been in this predicament if it weren’t for love!
[…]
I am not spiralling and I don’t wish to argue with you on these facts and theories. Treat them however you so wish. I don’t need anyone to be convinced of them to know that they are true. I do not judge truth by their appearance and even less by their reception. My suspicion of things is leaning towards one explanation and not the others and that’s good enough for me at the moment (although it is constant re-evaluation). I already feel myself mentally re-stabilised and even a bit re-aligned and that’s a win for the day. I am still moving ahead with my projects and my hobbies as if nothing has happened (the result of direct engagement and not living in uncertainty and fear).
And lastly about such theories and ideas – I do not believe in facts. Facts are fragile and fungible. I however have much faith in theories and in ideas. In considering them and holding them together in my head even if they are at variance. Just because I state a suspicion does not mean I “believe” in it. It means I “consider” it. That it might be or could possibly be true, but I am not arguing over it. That contest takes place in my mind and not with or against other minds. And these truths and theories and ideas to me exist in a gradation and not as a singularity. They are ranked and weighed. They are statistical possibilities. They aren’t objects that adhere to or represent reality but are representations of the underlying realities the manifestation of which we experience as perception or objectivity. But now I’m naval gazing late into the night.
Always your bunny [hugs]
Salisa lohavittayavikant 